Former Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice is learning there are consequences to his actions.
Those consequences came on Monday, after a video was publically released showing the NFL star delivering a punch that knocked out his then-fiancé in an Atlantic City elevator.
The Ravens have terminated his contract, the NFL suspended him indefinitely and he has lost several endorsement deals – including one with Nike.
Tuesday, the victim in the February 2014 attack – Janay Rice, who’s now married to Ray Rice – lashed out at the media and public through her Instagram account for judging their relationship.
Those who work with victims of domestic violence and those who are survivors said the last thing Janay Rice needs is to be scrutinized.
“You rationalize it, and you talk yourself around the issue, and you think, ‘There’s no way that someone this horrible can be in my life,'” explained Michelle Oeltjen Grabenstein, who is a survivor of domestic violence. “It’s just a temporary thing, like it’s going to get better.”
Oeltjen Grabenstein spent one year in an abusive relationship – until 10 years ago when her boyfriend tried to kill her before he eventually took his own life.
“I was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell people what happened,” she said.
Happily married now, Oeltjen Grabenstein wrote about her experience with domestic violence in her memoir Love,Lies & Lessons Learned.
She said she can relate to Janay Rice.
“She’s knows it’s not OK,” said Oeltjen Grabenstein. “She knows that it’s a behavior that she doesn’t want to deal with.”
But, like many victims of domestic violence, Janay Rice continues to support her abuser.
In an Instagram post Tuesday, she blamed the media for making the couple “relive a moment in our lives we regret every day” and robbing her husband of his NFL career.
Many critics came back swinging through social media – saying Janay Rice is sending the wrong message by staying with him.
“What we’re doing is re-victimizing her,” explains Dr. Maria Garay, executive director of the Sojourner Center in Phoenix, which helps more than 5,000 victims of domestic violence each year. “And, really she needs space to look at what’s happening with her. We need to not be so judgmental. You’ve got to remember that when you’re in that relationship, you don’t know what she’s facing. You don’t know the threats she receiving.”
Both Garay and Oeltjen Grabenstein said the eye of scrutiny needs to be focused on the abuser, not the victim.
“The questions shouldn’t be, ‘Why is she staying with him?” said Oeltjen Grabenstein. “The question needs to be, ‘Why isn’t he getting the help he needs to overcome this mental illness?”